Where Have I Been. What am I Feeling?

I can tell you right now, that life is not always so simple.

A few months ago I wrote about my experience with panic disorder.

Months past.

Everything got worse.

I've been diagnosed with severe clinical depression.

I've been to so many psychologists and therapists and I find them asking me the same question.

"How are you feeling?"

I feel like, when a wave crashes over your head in the ocean, and it pulls you deeper into the ocean. All your doing is gripping the sand, but all the sand does is slip through your fingers.

I almost feel lost. Except when your lost, you know where your supposed to be. And now, I don't even know that.

I can't explain to you how awful it feels. It feels so awful to be scared of yourself. To be terrified of what you might do to yourself.

I can't explain the countless nights I've spent, praying and pleading for help.

I can't tell you, how many times I've wanted to let go.

The sadness is so great,

That all I am is numb.

Music

        So I don't know why but I decided to make a post on music...

        Music is such a massive part of my life. It keeps me going in life. I love to sing, I play guitar and piano. I honestly love it so much, like if you judge my music opinion...no just no.

        Youtubers who need more credit for their amazing voices

1. iwantaltitude
2. Lily Ahlberg
3. Laica Salas
4. And so, so many more.

      If you have a YouTube channel please tell me! I'm always looking for new YouTubers c:

      ♕

Making Anonymous Gaming Videos?!?! .o.

         Boom, clap. Doo doo doo doo.
         Don't ask I don't even know.

         EXCITING NEWS.

         I'VE DECIDED TO OPEN AN ANONYMOUS GAMING CHANNEL .O.

         So basically since the whole point of this blog is for me to be able to share my opinions without being judge...I won't reveal my identity. Maybe at one point I will, you never know.

         I need some suggestions FROM YOU on what games to play. I will be started a crazy craft mine craft series, "mine craft for beginners" series, hunger games mine craft...and I'm also thinking of setting up some accounts on various virtual worlds so I can hang out with you guys and be stupid xDD

         These will be anonymous videos so I won't be speaking threw the mic. I'm going to find different methods such as...typing on notes, or finding a certain voice generator (Although the ones I have found are quite disturbing and creepy.)

        DON'T WORRY. I will still update you on my life in my blog and maybe even have a few q and a's c:

         BE PREPARED FOR GREAT THINGS. KEEP LOOKING AT MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL FOR NEW VIDEOS .O.

           ♕

Back to School.

            Don't kill me. I know I said "This blog post will be out soon". Okay you got me. I'm sorry, I've just got a lot on my plate right now.

            Back to school...

            No matter how many years I've been at my school I still get butterflies before I head off for my first day. Is it just me or do you always feel like your gonna show up and and everything has changed. Like your friends ditched you or something. Well I've survived another back to school year.

            Now this post is basically addressed to the freshman. Because I'm gonna help you guys out with a few pointers. I wish I knew this stuff when I started high school

1. You're gonna make friends. Don't be afraid you'll have nobody. You always make new friends during high school.
2. Be on time for classes. I know this may be hard, because you're so confused about the layout of your school, but trust me you'll get used to it. If you can bring a small map in your agenda so that if you get lost you can still make it on time.
3. Get involved. Make friends and join sport teams, clubs or anything within your school. It makes your high school experience a lot better.
4. Don't act "too cool". I don't really know how to explain this...but as a freshman you have to realize your younger than everyone. And everyone hates it when a freshman acts cool. (No offence freshman...Remember I was a freshman once too...)
5. There aren't really any horrible bullies in high school. Yah theres gonna be a few out there, but you just stay out of their way. I promise you not everyone is mean.
6. Its not as bad as it seems. Everyone says high school is so hard, everyones rude and there is tons of bullying. Thats bull. High school is amazing. Yah, your gonna have to study hard and the exams are gonna be challenging. But it's all so worth it. You meet amazing people and have so many stories to tell friends. I know I've already made so many memories.

         "High schools a roller coaster. Theres up and downs, but every time you get off you say "Let's go again."

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Where Have I Been?

    Okay. I'm sorry

     Hopefully you've accepted my apology...if not sorry again.

     Okay. Anyways, let's get on with it.

     I'm sorry to say that I have no explanation for why I haven't been posting. I guess it was maybe because I didn't know what to post about. But now I've realized I should just post whatever I'm thinking. After all tat's why I started this, to share my thoughts.

     I have started school...but I'm writing a post on that so I don't really want to talk about that. Let's just say it's a struggle.

    Well be ready for some new posts because I'm back!

   ♕

The Aftermath Of Panic Attacks

         Everyone is different when it comes to anxiety, people deal with it differently, panic differently or have different needs. This post is simply going to be how I dealt with it.

        For a long period in my life I was simply terrified. I didn't want people to think differently of me. I was so scared to go to school, or any other activities. Just because I was simply petrified that I would panic in front of people. This really I guess got me down. I spent a lot of time just sitting in my room, which is really not good. For someone like me, I should have been surrounded by people. It just makes you a whole lot happier.

       I really didn't know what to do. So many people just couldn't understand. They would try to understand, but honestly there is no bridge between people who have panic attacks and people who don't. Me not going to all these activities, it wasn't helping. I need to participate and be distracted for a while, when all I was thinking was am I gonna panic?

       Panic attacks also caused a lot of physical pain. For a while I always had this sort of knot in my stomach, and I always felt as if I were coming down with the flu. My muscles became super tense (I am still seeing a physio) I tried getting massages but the knots in my muscles are so tight that, that didn't cut it. I also had a lot of pain in my throat, which I'm actually having today...it causes more trouble to breathe and its just a struggle.

      I understand if you are experiencing any of these things, but now I need to show you how to get threw them, because you will.

      I started participating more when I realized I would never get this opportunity again. I'm never going to be in this grade in high school again. Never going to be this age, never going to get so many of these opportunities back. I understand its really hard, but you're going to get threw this.

     If you're having muscle spasms I can recommend a few things:

1.  Stretch the affected muscle

2. Use a heating pad

3.  See a doctor or physio

4.  Stay hydrated

5.  Ice the muscle

6.   Get a massage

     I hope this really help all of you! Remember to get out the best of life and continue to participate.
Thanks for all the support

♕

Why This All Started?

         People tend to ask why I ever started an anonymous blog, and I guess its a long story...so why no make it a post?

        I've always wanted to just simply share my opinion with the world. But the world always seems to judge. About two weeks ago my mother came over to me and told me...

      Mom:  "This lady told me something amazing today."

       Me:  "What?"

      Mom: "Well she's a teacher and she never asks the kids "What do you want to be when you grown up". She would always ask "Who do you aspire to be when you grow up?"

     Me: I thought... "I don't agree."

      Mom: "What?"

      Me: "You should never aspire to be anyone except for yourself."

      And I basically walked out of that room, as my mom looked at me in awe.

      I've always wanted to just express myself. Share my opinion. Because I feel like I have so much more to offer, but I'm always scared people will judge my opinion. So this blog, is my escape. It's my time to rant about things in a normal teenage life, to complain, to cry, to be happy and to just share. I just get to share my moments with all of you. I guess, I find that in the real world, I'm unable to share. I feel uncomfortable with sharing my thoughts.

      The blog was created anonymously, because thats its only purpose. I don't want fame threw this blog, I just want people to talk to. People who I can communicate with, and just share my story with. And I guess, you, yes you, that person behind that screen, your my escape.

   

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Anxiety and Panic attacks.

Disclaimer: I am in no way an expert on any of this. I have just experienced it.  

    People tell me "your so perfect" or they think that nothing is wrong in my life. But the reality is that I have a massive flaw, a flaw that stops me from doing what I want to do. You really shouldn't think "oh there life is perfect. Because everyone has something going on in their lives, everyone has a story.

     I guess a huge chapter of my story is when I started having panic attacks. When I was 11, I did swim team at the time, I walked into the warm pool, when I started to have a numbing sensation in my foot. It basically just felt as if my foot was falling asleep. But that numbness, travelled threw out my body, I started shaking and then couldn't breathe. I fell to the ground and started crying. I didn't know what was happening. My parents weren't there, and I was left with my coach who had no idea whats going on.

     If you are someone who does not suffer with panic or anxiety, I'm just going to list a few symptoms, just so you can get an idea of how it is...

• Shortness of breath or hyperventilation.

• Heart palpitations or a racing heart.

• Chest pain or discomfort.

• Trembling or shaking.

• Choking feeling.

• Feeling unreal or detached from surroundings

• Sweating

• Nausea or upset stomach

• Feeling dizzy, light-headed, or faint

• Numbness or tingling sensations

• Hot or cold flashes

• Fear of dying, losing control, or going crazy
• And more...

    It is hard to understand what someone is going threw if they're having a panic attack. You have to make sure your just there to do anything for them. Basically drop everything and help them. I find I have trouble talking when I'm panicking (Everyones different) so it's hard for me to even ask you to do anything. But just sitting next to them and waiting until its over is a very nice way to help them. Don't snuggle next to them, they really need their space, but sit next to them and give them comforting words. 

-Dont panic, they're already panicking they don't want you to panic as well.

    It was really hard for me at one point, because it stopped me from doing things I wanted to do. I was just so terrified to go out of my house. I just felt as if it would be embarrassing to panic at school. You should really surround yourself by people who know what to do, and will comfort you. As my "friends" would probably laugh and think it was a joke or something. I am lucky enough that I have only panicked once at school, and I just went to the bathroom then called my mom. School is sort of like a distraction for me, so it helps me stay calm, so I don't end up panicking as much. I do however feel very anxious almost every moment of the day. Its like theres this knot in my stomach and it never goes away. But I've learned to control it much better. I have also been seeing a psychologist who has been really helping me.

I hope this helps you, or anyone else in your life to understand this much better :)

♕

                  

Crazy, Complaining, People

        Complaining is one of my worst pet peeves.

        I cannot stand someone who likes to complain. I know this shouldn't bother me and I shouldn't care if other people are complaining and stuff, yet it gets on my nerves so bad. One thing you guys may not know about me is that I suffer with panic attacks and anxiety (will be making a post on this soon). And maybe this is just me, but I really dislike it when someone uses panic attack for something that isn't really a panic attack, like "Oh my God, I have a test tomorrow, I'm going to have a panic attack." This really bothers me, because you really don't understand how terrible panic attacks are.

     The nerve some people have, to complain about something when you know that, that person, has it so much harder than you.

     Another thing that really bothers me, is when adults complain. Sometimes adults can be even worse than kids. Especially in sports. They say, this is wrong, my kid didn't play enough..etc. I hate that. Those crazy parents who complain about every single thing. It drives me crazy. And sometimes adults are able to create just as much gossip as kids do, and they tell us to be mature...

      Sorry this wasn't the longest post...but I'll be writing one on anxiety and panic shortly. And I'm sure that will be long.

   ♕

Secrets. Embarrassing Secrets.

       I am obsessed with Harry Potter. Like no, you don't even understand, I dream about Harry Potter, I think about Harry Potter like everyday, and watch at least one Harry Potter movie each 2 days. I have never told this to anyone, as I guess its considered "nerdy". So for those of you who aren't so into Harry Potter, I'm sorry you might as well not read this because I just wanna talk to someone about it.

       I am the master at Harry Potter scene it. When I play with my family, the rules are that I have to go around the board twice since I get all the questions right. But I always win anyways, but now nobody ever wants to play with me. So now I thought I should just put some basic Harry Potter questions in here...you guys can hide the answers and ask your friends or yourself these questions.

      Some super basic questions...
1. Who does Harry accuse of trying to steal the philosopher's stone in book 1?
A: Severus Snape

2. Where is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets?
A: In the girls bathroom where Moaning Myrtle lives.

3. Who was the Potter's secret keeper before they died?
A: Peter Pettigrew

4. Who did Hermione take to the Yule Ball in book 4?
A: Victor Krum

5. Bonus:
How many times a week did Harry & Ginny write to James when he was at his first year at Hogwarts?A: 3 times a week

       I literally know everything about it. Well not everything...but I honestly take so many quizzes online about Harry Potter and always get an "O". (Basically an "A" in wizard world). I am overly obsessed. I daydream about having a relationship with Ronald Weasley in class, and while I'm sleeping...I watch a Harry Potter movie like everyday, and read a few chapters of one of the books every night.

     Ok, I'm going to tell you something super embarrassing. So once I went to a sleepover at my friends house. We were all exhausted from this party that we all fell asleep pretty early. But I found that I couldn't fall asleep, and I didn't know why. Then it hit me, I hadn't read my few chapters of Harry Potter. So her brother, had all the books. So I snuck into her brothers room at like 4 in the morning...and locked myself in the bathroom. I literally sat there for hours reading the half-blood prince. Once it was around 6 'o clock, I decided I should probably sleep, then I got woken up at 7 'o clock...from now on I always bring my own Harry Potter book, whenever I go for a sleepover.

      Wow.
      I just admitted that in front of thousands of people.

 ♕

What Is Considered "Cool"

         We all have this definition of "cool" that society has locked into our brains. For example, for some reason being a complete genius isn't considered "cool". Which is so ridiculous, because if your a genius I totally envy you as it takes me a lot of effort to even pass. Why are certain things this way? Why is being good at something not "cool", or wearing a certain brand not considered "cool".

         The worst thing about this is that we actually believe this, that being a genius is not cool, wearing certain things isn't cool...we actually listen to what these people are saying. I honestly just want everyone to redefine cool. Redefine the things you see as "cool". Go around telling people, who aren't usually the definition of "cool" that they are. (Haha I've said "cool" so much in this post...) It's important that we understand, that we have opinions, and sometimes people have an opinion which is different from yours, but that doesn't mean you should change yours.

       I've really wanted to put this post out there, but I was scared to think of what your opinions were. But then I remembered that the whole point of this post was to prove that "cool" is just a label people put on you when they don't know what to call you.

       I hope this post has widened your visions towards being "cool".

       Redefine "Cool".

       Cool is when someone is themselves.

 ♕

Summer 2014

   
 Summer is supposed to be relaxing,
                                                   fun,
                                                     chill.

      But summer is really just an excuse to have a bunch of parties. Yeah, sometimes parties are fun. But not the kind of parties where everyone is drunk and crazy. So basically...sometimes I feel like I need school work. (I KNOW CRAZY RIGHT?!) But I need something to keep me busy, I don't wanna fall into a bad place in summer.


        Another reason I was school work...is I need an excuse not to hang out with people. I much rather spend my day on twitter and tumblr than go interact with people. And now I can't pull the "I have too much homework" card. But it's ok, I mostly just ignore people's texts and calls. I'm not saying I don't like summer, 'cause that would just be insane, I love summer. But I just need something to keep me occupied, because lately I've been getting bored.


        Something that a lot of people don't know about me...well everyone actually besides my family. Is I play guitar, piano and sing. I honestly love music, I took voice lessons for years and performed in front of a few hundred people, until I stopped taking voice lessons because I thought it wasn't considered "cool". But now I love to just teach myself a song on the guitar or piano, sing a bit and give a little concert for my family. This is something that I've done a lot this summer. As I've been avoiding people.

       
       Summer parties are the worst. It's just the time to get into trouble, because theres no school. I've been avoiding all party invitations. I probably will go threw the whole summer without going to one. If anyone asks I'm away in Florida :)

♕

Thank You

       I started this blog basically because I wanted to be able to ramble to people...I needed some way to share my feelings and stories.

       I honestly didn't expect it to be this much of a success. Within 2 days I have over 1000 views from countries such as Canada, U.S.A, Slovakia, Germany and more. This actually means a lot to me. Just seeing how much success I have gotten within 2 days, makes me super excited for the future.

      Thanks for dealing with my rambles, and for all your support :)

♕

What Is It To Be Alone?

         It's funny how when your so called "popular" you seem to have a lot of "friends". But honestly I feel more alone then ever. For those of you who have no friends. I guess I feel ya. Because if you have fake friends...it's not really like having friends...right? I guess I just need to ramble for a little, and sadly this blog is the only place I can freely do it.

         I don't think I've ever had a conversation with one of my "friends" before about me or them. It's always about other people. It's about what someone was wearing, how cake someone's makeup was, who someone hooked up with, if a boy likes someone, how much of a "loser" someone is...etc. I don't even know what my "friends" favourite colours are, if they played soccer when they were younger, if they used to have a pet or are good singers and love to play the piano. I don't know. The only thing I do, is go to their house, play on my phone or we watch a movie. Every so often well tell each other that a guy texted us, and we'd ask for advice.

         Is this really how your supposed to have friends? Only caring about guys and how good you look? I don't know...

       I wish I could get a one way ticket out of the inner circle.

♕

Social Media...

       Social media...for kids, it's just something else that seems to put pressure on us. First of all apparently if you don't have social media you aren't considered "cool". But then there's pressure for what kind of pictures you post, how pretty you are, what type of filter you have on your photo, how many likes you get, how many followers you have...etc.

        The worst thing is that kids will judge you for those things, if you only get 70 likes on a picture...you'll go to school next day and your "friend" will be like:

"I noticed you only got 70 likes on your last picture...bummer"

*deletes picture right away*

     The sad part is that most of us actually do delete the picture. I think the whole purpose of social media has totally been defeated. The purpose is to interact with your friends and family. Well were doing that...but I guess were using something like Instagram, as a sort of scale to see how pretty someone is. I bet you guys always pull out your phone to show someone how "ugly" or "pretty" someone is. And we all use the amount of followers almost against people. It's as if the more followers you have the higher your ranked on the popularity scale.

          I honestly am one of those people who really don't get why we need social media. Texting I understand...we need to keep in contact especially incase of emergency. But instagram honestly doesn't make sense...post a picture so that people can tell you how ugly or pretty you are! Who are they to tell you? Now I'm just going to say that if I ever told any of my "friends" my opinions on social media they would hate me forever. The worst part is, when your popular, the only comments your going to get is your so pretty...even if your not (not being rude, everyone is beautiful in their own way). It's like people are terrified to write "your a bitch and are honestly not that pretty". Well first of al that's not very nice, no matter how mean that person is because then your just as bad as them. But people are scared of not commenting "gorgeous" on someones picture who is popular because it's as if they have more power over you, which is ridiculous...because this is high school not the royal kingdom.

I'm gonna end this post with my favourite quote/story:


“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
-John Lennon

♕

Is It Meant To Be?

        In the past I had a boyfriend, he was perfect. For the first time in a while, I had felt happy. Like maybe high school was worth it. We were together for 1 year, it was great. Everything was fine, well as I thought.

       I guess why I'm writing this post, is because I never told anyone how this situation made me feel, and how much it hurt. I really actually did like him, and like any high school crush, you imagine each other running off into the sunset and getting married, but that wasn't the reality.

       The summer of 2013. Everything collapsed. I got an anonymous text, with a picture of my boyfriend making out with another girl. I was broken. Yet, I pretended everything was fine. I told my "friends" that I never liked him, that I didn't care, that I was gonna break up with him anyways. I guess I was just humiliated. Humiliated that I, could be broken. but I was. The rest of my summer was obviously ruined. I blew off my friends telling them I had plans, when actually I just didn't want to leave my bed. Now, this isn't the worst part. Yes, I was broken, had a bit of a high school break down...but the worst was that I still had to brake up with someone that I liked, all my friends were like; oh this will be no problem, you don't like him anyways. But I really did. I went up to him...and said...

Me: "What did you do this summer?"
Him: "Nothing much, I hung out by the pool and stuff."

He lied right to my face.

Me: "Tell me you didn't hook up with another girl."

I was getting a little emotional now...slightly crying...not really able to get the words out my mouth.

Him: "I, I..."

         So basically after that, you can imagine I ran to the bathroom with my mascara watering down my face. I was humiliated, and broken. Even though I knew he had cheated on me, part of me still wished it wasn't true. But the reality was it was.

         None of my friends came to check on how I was. Probably none of them cared.

♕

What Are Real Friends?

           I was thinking...what are real friends supposed to do, act or whatever. I don't know if I'm even making sense right now, but sometimes I think my friends are just fake. They're basically using you for secrets and guys. That's all they care about, because in the life of the popular girls thats all that matters.



Rules of popularity:
1. Must have a boyfriend
2. Must wear makeup
3. Must be pretty
4. Must be a total bitch
5. Can't be too smart, can't be too dumb
6. Must hook up with guys at dances
7. Must drink
8. Must have over 400 followers on instagram
9. Must have lots and lots of secrets



            Now I realize I'm totally just insulting myself right now, but maybe thats what I should do. I've been mean to so many people, and yet every time I try to make things right, I find myself back inside the inner circle of popularity. I can't get out. I've never experienced being able to trust someone 100%. I don't have any friends who I can tell everything to. I find it kind've sad honestly. I wish I had friends, yes I pretend they're my friends, but truthfully I find myself not being able to tell them somethings.

Maybe I'm just meant to be alone.

♕

Popularity?

        The truth is, I've never experienced the awkward life of no attention. I'm one of those plastic, bitchy brats. Sorry, it's the truth. I just live that life full of drama and boyfriends. The truth is popularity is just so overrated in high school.

        For those of you who envy the popular life. Trust me, don't. Once you get into this inner circle, there is no, way out. Just trust me on this one girls, and guys...I much rather live the life of invisibility. I really would like that. To not have to care how much makeup I wear, or what outfit I wear to school. So this blog is for the people who envy the popular life, for those of you who wanna know how it's like. The truth is, it's hell, well at least my life is. So here I am, this popular brat who is gonna tell you about her life and the life of being popular.

♕